She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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