the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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