The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
