can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
