I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
