Only a mothe r could love this liver
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
