Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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