The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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