wanna go halves on a baby?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
