I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
