I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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