i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
