OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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