i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
