Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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