just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
