You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
