Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
