She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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