decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
