I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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