My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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