he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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