you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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