smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
