we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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