so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
