i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
