Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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