Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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