Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i think i just lost a toe
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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