Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
