and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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