I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
