if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
