toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
