the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
