there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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