My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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