Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
