Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
