I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You made out with two different species that night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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