mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
