3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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