Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
