just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
