I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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