She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
