theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
