I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Four minutes until I can fart!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
