i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
