Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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