i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
