I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
