Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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