anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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