Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
