I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
