Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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