just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
