i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
