dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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