so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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