so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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